COPYRIGHT LEGLESS PRODUCTIONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2005. www.leglessproductions.co.uk Sammy`s Snacks Sammy is the proprietor of an all night café South of the River. He is a tough looking bruiser a feature which disguises a sharp intellect and knowledge. Articulate but in a broad Glaswegian accent. Dress chef s apron, jeans, trainers, '1 1 ' shirt. His partner Priscilla works in the kitchen area and though heard does not appear on stage at any point. The play is a series of vignettes set in the café mixing visual, verbal and bizarre comedy. It can be tailored to fit any time period as a one act play of up to an hour. The various vignettes can be arranged in any order -apart "Four Foot Two" which must always be the last one. In addition to the main 'customer vignettes' there are a number of 'shorts', which again can be interspaced to preference. Stage setting suggestion is a diagonal counter to allow passage stage front, 2 doors/entrances one exterior and one to the toilet, menu board on wall, chairs for the waiting area, cash drawer and various other props — tray of knives and forks, condiments etc. Artichokes e us! Sammy leaning on counter, cigarette on lips, can of lager opened cleaning finger nails with a fork Luke: (Male student, student dress, 18 ish, timid Could be older male — looks around, approaches counter nervously.) Do you have a menu? Sam: Aye that we do laddie. Luke: Er right (looks around)... .erna (enquiring expression)? Sam: (Leans forward menacingly) Would uze be extractin' the piss laddie? Luke: No.....no....it's just (looks around hand moving) menu? Sam: Well sonny if uze just lets yee wee peepers wander a ways to the left right... Luke: Left, right?(Indicates confusion with hands.) Sam: One moment. (Pulls himself erect, ceremoniously places fork he had been using to clan nails back into the rack firstly spitting on it and then cleaning with apron. Gestures. Comes customer side, place both hands on Luke's shoulders walks him over to the menu on the wall.) Is that a menu laddie or is that no a menu? Luke: Ah yes, yes clearly it is... thank you. Sam: Uze very welcome sonny. (Returns to behind the counter Luke studies the menu.) Luke: (Studying) Mmm....(over his shoulder to Sam) how's the chicken tikka?

Sam: Och laddie the culinary experience of a thousand lifetimes. Luke: Mr= sounds good ..... lamb biriani? Sam: Suitable for Radio 4 serialisation — abattoir fresh lamb reared within spitting distance of the bracing bouquet of the North Circular, sheared honed and boned by none other than Mad Mickey the Hatchett and seared and basted with the aromatic essence of paraffin by celebrity chef Priscilla the serial poisoner. Luke: (Back to studying the menu.) The artichoke curry? Sam: Hot!. Luke: (Pondering)Right... chicken tikka please — can't go wrong with that! (Nervous chuckle.) Sam: (Intake of breath, menacing shaking on head) Yee would nay be insinuating a wee problem with ma food would uze sonny? Afore uze responds to that I feel I should inform uze that the last 'gentleman' to offer such affrontary is still sadly in a state of painful traction. Now what was it uze was saying? Luke: (Holds' hands up in submission) No offence intended. Sam: Och none taken laddie just a wee fragment of friendly advice, always aspire to be helpful uze knows. Right son (turns yells offstage) 1 chicken tikka. Priscilla: (Offstage) Chicken's off. Luke: Biriani? Sam: (Yells offstage) Biriani! Priscilla: (Offstage.) Lamb's off Sam: (Stares questioningly.) Luke: Artichoke curry? Sam: Och a wise wee choice laddie......... the wee artichoke — in Arabic 'harshurthe unopened purple flower of a perennial thistle belonging to the daisy family and propagated from the wild on the Asian continent around the twelfth century. Although there are many varieties most likely what uze is consuming today is an Italian species known as the Globe Artichoke, Bursting with vitamins and nutrients. Rich in cynarin, a substance that stimulates the taste buds responsible for the detection of sweet flavours,

the humble artichoke towers majestically above all other vegetables. Uze did nay ken that did yee son? Luke: No, no but...... Sam: Ah well uze sees laddie once yee enters the domain of Sammy's Snacks uze gets a whole lot more than geese might surmise. Drop that wee nugget of information into the conversation next time yee're contemplating a night of nooky and her knickers'll be round her ankles afore yee can draw breath! Luke: Do chips come with the curry? Sam: Och no laddie. Yee dun nay want be clogging up uze arteries and capillaries does yee. Nay, nay nay! Saturated fats, preservatives, colouring, E numbers (intake of breath shaking head) very very unhealthy. Luke: No artificial ingredients then? Sam: Aye uze quite right... that curry contains absolutely no natural ingredients whatsoever. Luke: (Horrified but very nervous) Ahhh... I think leave it (weak smile) hunger peaked. Sam: (Leans forward with menace.) Oh laddie I did nay catch what uze was saying. (Smiles, cleans his ear out vigorously with little finger, brings out very large carving knife from under counter, lays it down.) Tinnitus — terrible terrible affliction.....makes uze mishear all kinds of things do yee no think? Now what was it uze was saying? Luke: One large artichoke curry please.